Sunday, September 21, 2008

It's Not My Party, but I'll Cry If I Want To...

So my current goal to test whether or not I am up to the challenge of being here alone is to go from one parental visit to another without spilling any tears each day. So far, I am 0 for 3. Yesterday was good during the day. Price and I were up and dressed and out of the house by 1:00 and ran a few errands. We stayed on schedule with eating and napping and left for my office party on time. When we got to the party, Price started acting hungry and I realized, I left his food at home. I was reminded (isn't that sad that someone had to remind me) that I could breast feed him, so I did, but he was still hungry. He wouldn't stop crying and I had to leave the party early. I was so frustrated with myself for not being able to provide him with the food he needed. He is such a good baby, that he would have calmed down once he got what he needed. But I didn't have enough milk or time or both to satisfy him that way and because I left his other food at home, I couldn't take care of him. I felt like such a bad mom. I really questioned my decision to stay here and try to take care of everything on my own. The whole way home, he screamed and I sobbed. It was horrible. But as soon as we got home, and got fed he settled back to being his sweet self.

I have been so torn with several big things since becoming a mom. I second guess myself all the time and worry that I am not doing a great job. I just love Price so much, I want to help grow up to be happy and healthy. I have this ongoing battle with breast feeding. He's almost 8 weeks old, and is finally getting the hang of it, but I don't think i have enough milk to fill him up. I am getting closer to coming to closure on this issue and just giving him formula all of the time. I don't know if he'll know or care but I think a part of me will always be sad that it didn't work the way I hoped. I also struggle with my decision to stay here in Dayton. Again, I want to do what's best for the baby. I know having a mom who cries all the time is not good for him, but at the same time i worry that we won't be able to establish a routine or sense of home if we're not here. I struggle with whether or not I want to go back to work. I like my job and I really like

It's all so close to the surface, which is why I cry. I don't have my sounding board or partner to talk to whenever I need to share something. So, ask if it's going ok or tell me that I'm brave or ask how I'm doing or volunteer to help out, and I well up because I'm not sure it is ok, I don't feel that brave, I'm doing differently from 1 hour to the next depending on what's occuring at that particular moment and people's generosity overwhelm me. It's not going bad at all, it's all manageable, but I keep thinking about having to keep managing everything by myself for 4 months and it is overhwelming.

I am sad that I don't get to share this time with Don. I want to run and show him every smile that Price makes, I want to ask him what he thinks every noise means, I want them to be able to watch football and take naps together. I want to pick up the phone anyhour day or night and be reassured that he's ok and that I'm ok. So, when my best friend asked how it was going and I said "ok" as my voice cracked, I thought maybe I should go home. But this is my home and I don't want to leave the place that connects me the most to my husband who I miss so much.

I think the reason I struggle with these types of decisions is because I'm not making them for me. I am making them for the baby. I've always been somewhat self-centered, but now everything I do revolves Price and his well-being. I love this child so much, so much more than anything and when I think about it, it almost takes my breath away, and I just want to do right by him. Because he is the mark I am leaving in this world.

On a much lighter, better note, I did hook up with 2 of the 3 AF wives who I recently met. We went to the consignment sale and although it wasn't the best bonding experience (it's hard to bond when you're amongst hundreds of other women trying to find the best items for the best price- doesn't leave a lot of time for chit-chat), it was nice to get out of the house for a few hours (and get out before noon and be fully functional). Price was a huge hit, I carried him in his sling and he peeked out like a baby kangaroo. People oohed and ahhed over how cute he was. He's gonna be a heartbreaker! He steals mine all the time with those cheeks like pierogies and his kissy lips... ahhh, my heart is melting right now just thinking about him.


Don said...

You're my melt my heart everytime I hear your voice or read your posts. You're the best mom Price could hope for!

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