Monday, September 22, 2008

Why I Would Have Called

So, I try to not be the obnoxious wife who calls her husband all day every day to see what he's doing and to tell him every mundane thing (I'm not always successful at my attempts) about what's happening or just happened moments ago. But, when hubby is away and I can't talk to him whenever I want, I think of reasons I would have called him, had I been able. Today the list is:
1. I love you! Hope you're having a good day. You've been on my mind all day.
2.Price drank got so much out of the boob I thought was broken, it came out of his nose.
3. I called my mom at 5:00 am her time to see if I should call the doctor regarding item #2 (answer, "no, very normal", answer later confirmed by Kalina).
4. Gave Price his first bath all by myself last night, went well.
5. Have established bedtime routine for Price. He's in bed asleep between 9 & 10 (depending on bath and hunger).
6. Got your post card, it made my day.
7. No random bouts of crying today, only breakdown when talking to Kalina about being lonely and missing you.
8. Talked to your mom tonight. Minnie is going to her 3rd obedience class tomorrow and is doing well.
9. Steelers lost. Pitt won.
10. Never left the house today, but sat outside this evening and enjoyed the sunset. Price loved looking at things.
11. New pictures on Drop Shots.
11. Love you, miss you, hope you're having a good day.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

It's Not My Party, but I'll Cry If I Want To...

So my current goal to test whether or not I am up to the challenge of being here alone is to go from one parental visit to another without spilling any tears each day. So far, I am 0 for 3. Yesterday was good during the day. Price and I were up and dressed and out of the house by 1:00 and ran a few errands. We stayed on schedule with eating and napping and left for my office party on time. When we got to the party, Price started acting hungry and I realized, I left his food at home. I was reminded (isn't that sad that someone had to remind me) that I could breast feed him, so I did, but he was still hungry. He wouldn't stop crying and I had to leave the party early. I was so frustrated with myself for not being able to provide him with the food he needed. He is such a good baby, that he would have calmed down once he got what he needed. But I didn't have enough milk or time or both to satisfy him that way and because I left his other food at home, I couldn't take care of him. I felt like such a bad mom. I really questioned my decision to stay here and try to take care of everything on my own. The whole way home, he screamed and I sobbed. It was horrible. But as soon as we got home, and got fed he settled back to being his sweet self.

I have been so torn with several big things since becoming a mom. I second guess myself all the time and worry that I am not doing a great job. I just love Price so much, I want to help grow up to be happy and healthy. I have this ongoing battle with breast feeding. He's almost 8 weeks old, and is finally getting the hang of it, but I don't think i have enough milk to fill him up. I am getting closer to coming to closure on this issue and just giving him formula all of the time. I don't know if he'll know or care but I think a part of me will always be sad that it didn't work the way I hoped. I also struggle with my decision to stay here in Dayton. Again, I want to do what's best for the baby. I know having a mom who cries all the time is not good for him, but at the same time i worry that we won't be able to establish a routine or sense of home if we're not here. I struggle with whether or not I want to go back to work. I like my job and I really like

It's all so close to the surface, which is why I cry. I don't have my sounding board or partner to talk to whenever I need to share something. So, ask if it's going ok or tell me that I'm brave or ask how I'm doing or volunteer to help out, and I well up because I'm not sure it is ok, I don't feel that brave, I'm doing differently from 1 hour to the next depending on what's occuring at that particular moment and people's generosity overwhelm me. It's not going bad at all, it's all manageable, but I keep thinking about having to keep managing everything by myself for 4 months and it is overhwelming.

I am sad that I don't get to share this time with Don. I want to run and show him every smile that Price makes, I want to ask him what he thinks every noise means, I want them to be able to watch football and take naps together. I want to pick up the phone anyhour day or night and be reassured that he's ok and that I'm ok. So, when my best friend asked how it was going and I said "ok" as my voice cracked, I thought maybe I should go home. But this is my home and I don't want to leave the place that connects me the most to my husband who I miss so much.

I think the reason I struggle with these types of decisions is because I'm not making them for me. I am making them for the baby. I've always been somewhat self-centered, but now everything I do revolves Price and his well-being. I love this child so much, so much more than anything and when I think about it, it almost takes my breath away, and I just want to do right by him. Because he is the mark I am leaving in this world.

On a much lighter, better note, I did hook up with 2 of the 3 AF wives who I recently met. We went to the consignment sale and although it wasn't the best bonding experience (it's hard to bond when you're amongst hundreds of other women trying to find the best items for the best price- doesn't leave a lot of time for chit-chat), it was nice to get out of the house for a few hours (and get out before noon and be fully functional). Price was a huge hit, I carried him in his sling and he peeked out like a baby kangaroo. People oohed and ahhed over how cute he was. He's gonna be a heartbreaker! He steals mine all the time with those cheeks like pierogies and his kissy lips... ahhh, my heart is melting right now just thinking about him.

Friday, September 19, 2008

It's You and Me Kid

My husband left for the sandbox a little over a week ago. He's in a relatively safe location, which makes his deployment easier on me (not so worried). However, we're not able to talk everyday. I really miss him. I miss his physical presence, but mostly I miss not being able to talk to him whenever I want and that he's not the last voice I hear before I fall asleep- lately that honor has been going to Jon Stewart. We have a 7 week old son, which makes this deployment even harder on both of us because Price is our first child. His daddy doesn't get to be here for several months of laughs, smiles, coos, hugs and kisses. He's also missing out on changing explosive diapers when we're out in public, midnight feedings, and trying to interpret various cries throughout the day and night. I hate that he's not here to share any of that with me, but I also know he's doing his job and I am so proud of him for the job he's doing!

Price and I were very fortunate that ever since Don left, my mom and step dad have been here with us to help out. They ended up staying a little longer than expected due to Hurricane Ike. And since all good things must come to end, they left today. So, it's just Price and me against the world until reinforcements arrive (in the form of Dad and Pat) next Saturday. It's a little after midnight and we had a good day! Pretty much a day of eating, sleeping, peeing (Price) and Mommy feeding, holding, walking, changing. It was pretty quiet around here after Hurricane Hardee rolled out this morning. they kept trying to convince me to go home with them, but for some reason I feel like for now, it's better that we stay here to get a routine established. I made a promise to myself and Price that if I cry everyday until dad and Pat show up, I will head to TX sooner than expected.

Tonight, however we had plans! I went to a function for spouses, and took Price with me. It was EXACTLY what I needed- to get out of the house and let other people know I was here with Don deployed and reconnect with "my people," other wives who have been in my shoes, they were all so kind and just about every one of them offered their support and told me to call if I needed anything. I also met two women about my age, one with a new baby and one with a baby on the way! We have tentative plans to get together on Saturday. I have also invited one other woman who I haven't officially met, so if this is a successful outing- I could actually make 3 AF friends. I am praying that it goes well. Because, while I love all my non-AF friends, and although they are super supportive, they just don't quite get this life that Don and I have chosen.

I have plans for Friday and most of Saturday, so Sunday is the first day I don't have anything to look forward to and will be the real test for me.

Well, it's late and I need to sleep while the little one lets me.

The First Post

I decided to start this blog because my husband is away for a few months on his first deployment for the Air Force. Since we aren't able to talk everyday and because we have a newborn son, I thought this blog would be a good way to document my life as a military wife and the baby's day-to-day adventures so Daddy can check in and see what we've been up to.
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