Wednesday, June 23, 2010

My PC Problem

It stormed here today.  For the first time since moving to Guam, I actually heard thunder while sitting in my house.  It was so loud, our windows shook.  It was perfect lazy weather and we had official orders to stay indoors... Once Price went down for his nap, I tried to busy myself around the house so I didn't take a nap too (it was perfect napping weather, but when I take naps I stay up too late then get up early with the kiddo, then find myself wanting to take a nap the next day- it's this never ending cycle).  Since I wasn't going to sleep and still don't have a book to read, I decided to bake.  I've been seriously jonesing for chocolate.  And decided to make the BEST. BROWNIES. EVER!  I first made these brownies when we lived in Louisiana, about a million years ago.  These brownies are super easy to make and sooooo good.  I haven't made them in a while, but when the Commissary actually had Ghirardelli Baking Bars (to actually find a bar of baking chocolate of any variety at the Commissary is a win, but this was a BIG win), I bought several and knew I'd be making these brownies soon.  Today was the perfect day...

If you don't like dense, fudgy brownies that are crispy around the edges and are perfectly bittersweet you are weird and something is wrong with you, these brownies aren't for you.  But if you do like what I described, follow this recipe:

Ghirardelli Classic Chocolate Brownies (recipe from Ghirardelli website)
1/2 cup(s) Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips
4 ounce(s) Semi-Sweet Chocolate Baking Bar (I use the bittersweet bar because I like the taste better)
1/2 cup(s) (1 stick) unsalted butter, cut into pieces
1 cup(s) firmly packed light or dark brown sugar
1 teaspoon(s) pure vanilla extract
2 large eggs
3/4 cup(s) plus 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon(s) baking powder
3/8 teaspoon(s) salt

Preheat the oven to 350°F. Butter and flour an 8-inch square baking pan.Chop the 4 ounces of semi sweet chocolate bars into i-inch pieces.In the top of a double boiler or in a heatproof bowl over barely simmering water, melt the 4 chopped chocolate and butter, stirring occasionally until smooth. Remove the pan from the heat and let cool to room temperature (I don't let it get quite to room temp, I think  the sugar combines better if the chocolate is still a little a warm, but not so warm that it cooks the eggs when added) . Stir the brown sugar and vanilla into the chocolate mixture. Add the eggs and mix well.In a bowl, sift together flour, baking powder, and salt. Slowly fold the flour mixture into the chocolate mixture, mixing well until blended. Stir in the chocolate chips and pour the batter into the prepared pan.
Bake for 25 to 30 minutes, until a tester comes out clean.

One day, I hope to take attractive pictures of food

By now, I'm sure you're trying to figure out what is wrong with my PC and what it has to do with this post..  My computer is fine.  I have another type of PC problem... PORTION CONTROL!  And not just when it comes to food, (although that is where it often rears its ugly head)
Umm... Yes, the brownies came out of the oven 6 hours ago, Don had one small slice and this all that is left (and I wonder why the scale isn't changing despite going to the gym 2-3 days a week and walking 30 minutes a day too).  I'm trying to make myself feel better that the recipe doesn't make very many brownies and after all I ate tonight, I won't feel like eating any more again. ever.

but with many, many things in my life.  I seem to have problems with moderation. You know like reading 3 books in less than 3 weeks, or maybe planting several hundred seeds in a window box garden and now having to find homes for many, many plants that I can't accommodate.  I also have portion control problems when it comes to planning events or taking on projects.  I just keep adding on and on (in my head) until they are too big and unmanageable, and I become overwhelmed and just want to curl up in a corner and cry and end up doing NOTHING that I originally wanted the way I originally wanted it.  The quote, "the road to Hell is paved with good intentions" comes to mind.  This is one of the things I dislike the most about myself.

I am hopeful that the longer I continue to go to the gym and exercise the less I will want food portions to fill me up (knowing full well it's not really the food I'm hungry for, but other areas of my life that need to be fulfilled), but I don't know what to do about the other aspects.  I'm not good at setting limits for myself.  I am not self-motivated.  I am not good at setting goals for myself.  I don't do well with setting deadlines for myself.
I do really well in a structured environment when someone else has set deadlines for me and has expectations- I always exceed those.  I don't know why I value other people's opinion of me more than my opinion of myself.

That's actually one of the things I struggle with the most as a stay at home mom.  There isn't really a validation system in place other than I'm raising a healthy, seemingly well-adjusted kid (if you can ignore his obsession with trains and his on going fondness for his penis).  Don is good about telling me that I'm a "wonderful mother" (his words), but I admittedly TOTALLY SUCK as a house keeper- so if this was an out of the home job, that actually paid me in more than sweet moments with my child and never ending full sinks of dirty dishes- would I be fired?  I never really feel like I am doing a great job, or even the best job that I can.  Some days, I feel like I'm Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. Going through the motions in pretty much the same routine day after day.  And that's not necessarily a bad thing, I mostly like the rhythm that our days have.  I just wish I could make myself do more- be more.  I miss that part of working outside of the home, that I was more- I had a title that wasn't just wife/mom.


Amy Ray said...

I am smiling so big right now. I wasn't even able to finish the rest of your entry past the picture of the more than 2/3 eaten pan of brownies! (I will go back and finish reading...) The same thing happens in our house. Scott always says, "Where did all the brownies go?" All I can do is look at him with guilty eyes and resign myself not to cry when I get on the scale in a few days and the number has gone up rather than down. (or even stayed the same!) *sigh*

Shelly said...

Terrell, I also want an "A" in being a mommy. Alas, noone is there to give it to me! You are SO not alone in those feelings! Miss you friend......I wish it had been you watching me from the back door cursing and jumping around when I stepped on the bee....

frosty said...

totally sympathize with you! on another note..... i want to see these plants! & when are you making those brownies again? or the frittata? both looked delicious!

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