How to Have a Happy Mother's Day.... This One Is For the Guys

Dear Baby Daddies....

Yesterday was Mother's Day.  I am sure that many, many of you celebrated this special day in fine style.  I am also sure that some of you may have perhaps dropped the basket of flowers intended for the mother of your offspring, the one who spent countless hours, in labor, denied food and water while she writhed in pain pushing out your beautiful child the ball a bit.  I would like to offer you a few words of advice on how to avoid any future mama drama in years to come...

1.  Mother's Day is ALWAYS the SECOND Sunday in May.  Every year.  Now you know.  It won't sneak up on you, even if you miss all the Hallmark commercials or all of the Mother's Day Sales flyers from Macy's, JC Penney, Kmart and I am sure maybe even Target (although since we don't have a Target here in Guam, I really don't care too much about that....)

2. I know, you may think that since your baby mama isn't you actual mother, you really don't have to do anything special for her.  However, unless your child is old enough to drive him/herself to the store and pick out a card or gift, it's up to you to take care of it.  If doing this really bothers you, think of it like this- by honoring the one who carried around your legacy for nine ten months, you are also honoring YOUR mother-   the wonderful woman who gave birth to you, helped you survive infancy and then didn't kill you for being a punk ass when you were a teenager.  You are showing her that she raised you right.  Unless, and I quote (from Alix at Casa Hice), you came from one of those mothers  "who were total bitches and for whom Hallmark still doesn't make appropriate cards." (is it wrong to wish I had come up with that line on my very own??)  You're still showing her that you turned out ok in spite of her crazy bitchiness.

3.  Even if the woman you are trying to honor can be a tad bit picky and maybe even has grandiose ideas about how the day should play out because she has maybe watched one too many chick flicks in her lifetime, she really just wants you to make an effort.

4. Don't ask her where she wants to go or what she wants to do (unless she is a complete control freak who will only be happy making the plans herself).  Sometimes, moms just want a day off.  A day where she is put above everyone else.   A day where decisions are made for her.  A day where she's not in charge of a schedule or a plan.  Sure, you may want a day like that too.  Just wait, you have such a day coming up next month.

5.If you do ask her where she wants to go and she has no suggestions, that doesn't mean give up.

6. Waiting until the night before to try to get reservations on the busiest day of the year is not a good idea. (See number 1).

7. Make sure you have a solid plan B in case you can't get reservations, anywhere.  Be understanding that dinner isn't really a good plan B.

8.  Breakfast in bed is usually a good plan B.  Unless, breakfast is served while it is still dark out, the dog who needs to pee is still in the room with the intended recipient, causing recipient to get out of bed and let dog out and notice that child's overnight diaper still needs to be changed.

9. Maybe a picnic would be a better plan B.

10.  If you have NOT gifted your baby mama with an exciting upcoming child free weekend at a luxury resort on a small tropical island, you should also gift your wife with something nice.  Something that will make her feel pampered, loved, appreciated.

11.  However, if you are awesome, like my husband, and have taken three days off work so that your baby mama can get away for a much needed break, you just need to pay attention and follow steps 1-9.  And even if you don't get through those so well, you should know that your baby mama loves and appreciates you anyway and hopes you'll read these tips so next year can be perfect-ish.